Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Marriage, it is like a drug that just won’t leave you be.


A little over a week ago the husband and I sat down and talked about what we’d both been thinking but hadn’t had the guts to actually put on the table, the s word. Separating, separation, breaking up our family.

Rationally I know that it is very common, there’s no stigma, lots of people do it because marriages don’t always work out, and let’s face it, back in the “good ole days” we didn’t have the option and now we do. But still, it isn’t like going out to the store for a minute, a lot of thought and consideration are involved, are necessary in fact so that’s what we’ve been doing. Thinking and considering the actual, practical implications of a separation. Where would we live? When do we need to involve lawyers? How do we work out the logistics of the children? How is he going to survive not seeing them every day? Do we still raise them in this rural backwater if only one of us actually needs to be here day in and day out? We’re buying a house, a rather large house, do we keep it and go ahead with the renovations, do we divide it in two houses, do we sell it and start over?

Taking a minute (or ten) and actually working these things out in our heads resulted in not an awful lot of fighting and bickering over the furniture, as one would assume, but in a rearing of our stubborn streak. Really seriously thinking about breaking up our marriage took us back to why we got married in the first place. We started putting each other first. I can’t move back to America, not because he would stop me if that’s what I wanted, but because I wouldn’t want to be that far away from him. When the Husband got ill I had to imagine what my life would be like without him and now I don’t want to live my life without him in it whether we are married or not.

The reality of separating made us nicer to each other, it made us more caring, ironically it brought us closer together. I honestly don’t know what we’re doing but I don’t think we’re ready to give up on each other. The Boy came up to me the other day after I put him in time out for something or other and said: Mama don’t be mad at me, we’re a family. A family.  I don’t know how or if we’re going to work it out, but I guess we’re not done fighting. I just hope it doesn’t kill us. 


Linking up today with Shell at Things I can't say.

11 comments:

  1. Big hugs!  I hope it all works itself out.  I can't imagine it is an easy place to be right now.

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  2. Oh gosh Honey.  I so hope everything works out.  Hugs.

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  3. Where is the ME in Mommy?March 21, 2012 at 8:18 PM

    {{HUGS}} what a tough situation.  There is a lot at stake when contemplating separation or divorce, which you clearly know :)  I hate to be *that* person who gives unsolicited advice so I won't.  I'll just say that when DH and I hit a rough patch, we read a book called The High Conflict Couple.  It DID NOT solve all our problems.  It did help us discuss our issues much more logically.  Good luch!

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  4. Hang in there. Maybe the talking everything over with lead to a good solution.

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  5. When I read this post, I immediately wanted to share this post from Edenland that I read last night. Hang in there, it sounds like you're not quite done yet. Perhaps things will work out in a way you can't foresee yet. http://www.edenriley.com/2012/03/marriage-of-sorts.html

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  6. Thanks, things have a way of working out one way or the other!

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  7. Thanks, will go check it out!

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  8. I hope so, talking sure can't hurt!

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  9. Thanks for sharing the post, we'll see how it goes...

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  10. I'm glad you are trying, I'm sure it's hard.

    My situation was never like yours - I won't try to compare. But not so long ago - nothing was off the table in terms of our marriage. We were at a breaking point. We've made it so far.

    If you want to talk, I'll listen. Email me.

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